Awards season is upon us, and the gawdy, judgmental grandmother covered in pearls who has been 85 our entire lives of award shows is this Sunday: The Academy Awards.
Much more important than the Emmys, less entertaining than the Golden Globes, and less LOL than the Grammys (Carrie Underwood’s projector screen dress, am I right?!), the Oscars are for old people – do you know anyone your age named Oscar? – who actually want (need) to sit for hours at a time watching people glorify the movies they funded. It’s Hollywood loving itself.
And it’s the best award show there is.
This is the show where designers save their absolute best for actors to wear down the Red Carpet – the most important part of the night. The best dresses of all time go to Audrey Hepburn 1953, Grace Kelly 1955, and Elizabeth Taylor 1970, all wearing Edith Head. (Yes, they have received the title of Best Dressed from yours truly – the ultimate authority on all things vanity.) Jennifer Lopez receives an honorable mention, wearing the likes of Jean Desses 2006, Chanel Haute Couture 2001, Valentino 2003, and Armani Privé 2010 (Si se puede, JLo!).
This year’s host will be Seth MacFarlane, creator of Family Guy. As stuffy as this award show is, they picked a comedian who writes one of the most crude shows around (www.youtube.com/watch?v=XStxajua9SU). Good luck, Seth. Hopefully you can be funnier than Jon Stewart was allowed, and more entertaining than ever-boring (and ever-high) hosts Anne Hathaway and James Franco.
Now, my picks for this year’s winner (I’m just way too lazy to type out every nominee.)
Best Picture: Argo, Zero Dark Thirty, or Lincoln. Nothing better than a movie that screams “USA! USA!”, which all of these do.
Best Actor: Daniel Day-Lewis. Old people love other old people.
Best Actress: Jessica Chastain. Hollywood loves a stunning ginger. I think Quvenzhané Wallis deserves it, though. I mean, she was 6 when they filmed it.
Best Supporting Actor: Not that interested in this category. So like, idk, Robert De Niro?
Best Supporting Actress: Anne Hathaway. Ugh, I know, but she killed her solo.
Best Animated Feature Film: Brave. Hands down. It’s so good.
That’s all I’ll predict for now, seeing as my shift is over. My predictions will probably all be wrong anyway, whatever.
So don’t miss the Oscars this Sunday! Join FAB for an Oscar viewing party at 7 pm in the MCC, complete with hors d’oeuvres.
Dress code: black tie only. If you’re not in Dior, don’t bother.